The Root of Dysfunctional Relationships

by Neseret on November 29, 2012

Rose,Compassion,バラ,コンパッション,“Our hearts have been broken because we were taught to do the Dance of Love in a dysfunctional way/to the wrong music.” ~ Robert Burney ~

Most of us went to shcool and were taught everything but the things that mattered most. If you’re like majority of human beings “the home” and “the adults” that were suppose to be your role models didn’t know any better to teach you differently. How were you suppose to learn how to create, manage, and maintain meaningful relationships?

You did the best you could with what you saw in your home and within your environment. However it was not enough to save you from the many heartaches that were to follow. You had your heart broken one too many times when you decided to put up a wall. You vowed to protect it at any cost.

On the other hand many go to the opposite end of the spectrum and will do anything and everything to get in to relationships and “get” the love they never recieved. Some will go to untold extremes to get just a little bit of love. They will say and do anything and settle for the crumbs of relationships in search of true love.

Either way, you end up feeling totally empty and so utterly unfulfiled in relationships.

“This dance of Codependence is a dance of dysfunctional relationships – of relationships that do not work to meet our needs. That does not mean just romantic relationships, or family relationships, or even human relationships in general. The fact that dysfunction exists in our romantic, family, and human relationships is a symptom of the dysfunction that exists in our relationship with life – with being human. It is a symptom of the dysfunction which exists in our relationships with ourselves as human beings.” ~ Robert Burney ~

What causes this dysfunctional relationship with “ourselves” and “with being human”?

The short answer is trauma. It is unlikely someone coming from a place of having being loved, and having had their needs met, and having been accepted and appreciated for who they are will create dysfunctional relationship with self. Also it is unlikely someone coming from having plenty of role models of what it means to be a functional, happy human being will make blunders in relationships. Additionally it is unlikely someone coming from having plenty of guidance, direction and support on how to create meaningful, loving, nurturing relationships will fail at it.

The problem is that most of us have never had the very basics of what it takes to create healthy relationship with ourselves let alone others. Furthermore most of us have been traumatized in one way or another by the very people who were suppose to protect and care for us. Often they didn’t know what they were doing. They too were vitims of victims.

The first step to creating healthy relationships…

The first step in creating a healthy relationship with your “self” and with others is to be aware of the traumas you suffered in relationships. Pay close attention to your primary relationships especially. (ie: whoever was your first major relationship – mother, father, grand parents, adoptive parents etc.) These powerful early relationships are the templates from which you build your relationship with yourself and others.

For many people those early relationships are exteremly flawed. Yet those relationships are the very foundations of everything we learned about ourselves and about relationships. In this view it is understandable why so many people flounder in relationships.

I believe understanding the dynamic and impact of those early relationships is critical to understanding yourself and the state of your current relationships. It is possible to heal from the traumas you suffered. It is possible to learn to create a healthy relationship with yourself regardless of what happened in the past. It is also possible for you to learn to create more meaningful and fulfiling relationships with others.

If you are ready to take further steps in this direction you would greatly benefit from the Mental Health Telesummit. The Mental Health Telesummit will give you practical information, tools, and strategies to help you start creating a healthy relationship with yourself and with others.

I would highly recommend listening to Robert Burney’s Interview.

Here is a quick outline of my interview with Robert.

There is nothing wrong with who you are – with your True Self. It is your relationship with your self that got all messed up in early childhood.


~ how to intervene internally to stop the old tapes and old wounds from running your life

~ how to set internal boundaries to take loving control of your own internal process

~ how to change your relationship with self, life and other people so that you can learn to relax and enjoy life as you are healing

Please share this on Facebook or Twitter. Leave me your questions and comments below. Thank you friend.

Peace, Love & Gratitude,


{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

marquis June 23, 2013 at 8:00 am

“The first step in creating a healthy relationship with your “self” and with others is to be aware of the traumas you suffered in relationships. Pay close attention to your primary relationships especially. (ie: whoever was your first major relationship – mother, father, grand parents, adoptive parents etc.) These powerful early relationships are the templates from which you build your relationship with yourself and others.”

I agree. I am very aware of the traumas of my life and told my therapist how I don’t trust people because of my experiences and how I feel so disappointed by them. I told her who wants to hang out with someone who is unemployed? I also told her making friends seem to result in them having similar attitudes that my parents have and those friendships don’t seem to last for me.

In 10/09, I ended a toxic friendship which wasn’t easy. This girl and I were “friends” since middle school. In high school, the friendship was just meaningless she was self-absorb like my father and couldn’t stand to be around her – actually nobody couldn’t. Funny, how she lectured me on my “poor attitude” while she should look in the mirror.

We got into an argument and my boyfriend came into which I felt she totally disrespected me and that was it. I wanted to tell her how she was a slut for sleeping with her ex bf knowing he had a new girlfriend in the Army and never told the new girlfriend to apologize and told my ex friend how wrong she was and she led on her ex boyfriend. Funny, how she always came to me for advice but her best friend (I knew her too) was suppose to been the one she was “closest too” than me.

So, I refused to talk to her and she cursed me out on the phone as I haven’t heard from her since. I wasn’t upset the friendship was over it was like a huge burden was off my shoulders. I’m she blamed me for everything, but oh well. When I talk to people, I seem to have a problem with connecting to them and making friends as I never had this problem when I was a kid.


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