“The Kids” Don’t Give a Sh*t About Your “Marriage” or “Divorce”!

by Neseret on March 5, 2016

FlowerDon’t buy the story that people have to stay together “for the kids”. Kids are fine when the parents don’t fill them with fear and foreboding and judgments. Children are infinitely adaptable and want to be happy, and will be if allowed to. They still have the capacity to feel emotion and let it move quickly — until you teach them that suffering is required. Children do not suffer over your divorce unless you teach them they should!

What does it teach your kids when you stay in a situation that is not a match for you anymore, especially if you are negative about it? That you should lie to yourself, them, and each other? That your happiness is dependent on someone else? That change and evolution are bad? That following your inner guidance is OK as long as everyone else approves it? That feeling as good as you possibly can is unimportant?

That’s how kids’ Instrument Panels (Emotions, Mind and Heart) get scrambled! They learn from adults that good feels bad and bad feels good. Then they grow up not being able to tell which way is up. Be real with kids. They cannot be fooled, unless you’ve already thoroughly scrambled them.

If you don’t choose things that feel right to you, they may not ever be able to do it either, unless, God Bless Them, they rebel and decide to do it different than you did. ~ Lola Jones from Divine Opening ~

I hear it every day.

Many people tell me that they choose to remain in a crappy relationship because of and for “the kids”. And of course “finance” is the other major reason.

We will leave the finances for another post…Today I want to discuss “the kids” and why staying in unhealthy and toxic “relationship” is more damaging to your kids than choosing to leave.

Sometimes a relationship may not even be toxic or bad at all, but two people change and they are no longer a match. You can learn to love and let go in peace. This is what is called conscious uncoupling. Letting go doesn’t have to be such a big drama and trauma.

However, the “relationships” I’m talking about here are the ones where two people over time have developed such disrespect, disdain, and even hatred towards each other. Where there is abuse and violence – emotional or physical.

And they still choose to remain together for “the kids.”

First of all, kids are smart and know a loveless marriage when they are forced to live within it. They may not be able to articulate it that way but they sense something is seriously wrong with these strange adults at war within themselves and each other.

Of course the kids have no choice in the matter! They are forced to live with these adult children who are incapable of creating a loving and nurturing environment.

And the kids will suffer!

Kids require people around them who are whole, functional, and healthy.

They need people around them who are emotionally available and nurturing towards each other and towards them. It does not matter if there’s only one person or multiple people. It could be bio-logical parents, adoptive/foster parents, aunts and uncles, and or grand-parents.

Now if there’s two people looking after the kids, as in a traditional marriage, it is essential they both need to be healthy and whole individually. Two people who are unhealthy individually create a toxic environment together.

A loveless, toxic, degenerated, traditional monogamous relationship/marriage is an evil institution.

It breads chaos, dysfunction, and thoroughly scrambles minds and hearts. It has done so since the dawn of agriculture, 10,000 years ago. Marriage back then as it is now is mainly a financial arrangement.

My house, my farm, my cattle, my wife…etc, etc.

Kids forced to live in an environment of chaos and drama become “troubled” indeed. I put troubled in a quotation because I don’t believe there are troubled kids. There’s only kids that come in to a troubled world and are surrounded by adult children who have no clue what they’re doing.

And growing up around these troubled adult children is traumatizing.

I encourage you to research symptoms of complex PTSD for the effects of growing up in a boiler room with incompetent parents. This is the background that sets up kids for mental ill health and addiction issues as adults.

No, this is not about blame.

This is about personal responsibility and accountability. And yes those people who were around you when you were growing up (a.k.a your parents) have a significant influence on you for good or ill. This is just the plane truth.

Feel free to go research the impact of childhood development or lack thereof on adult psychological and physical health and illness.

So if you are thinking you’re doing your kids a favor by staying in a shi*ty relationship, you’re greatly mistaken.

If you’re not absolutely thrilled to be with your partner and this connection is not a source of inspiration, growth, joy, laughter and love most of the time…

You’re in an entanglement and you need to get the hell out!

Yes, I said it.

A wise man once told a woman in a shit*y entanglement, “Get the fu*k out of there!”

And on some level people know they need to get out and end this charade. Yet, they choose to stay. The core of why they stay is FEAR!

Fear of being alone, fear of being financially destitute, fear of what other people will think and say, fear of not finding someone as good as their current crappy partner,….the list goes on.

Some people are addicted to pain and drama.

Those people find other people who are addicted to people with pain and drama. These people’s drug of choice is people who bring pain and drama in to their life. And these types of people are incapable of creating a nurturing environment for their kids.

Likely these are the same people that grew up in toxic environments. So, how can they give their kids what they didn’t have?

It’s definitely an intergenerational cycle. And, it is a cycle that must be broken.

So who is going to do it if you don’t?

Who is going to save your kids and grandkids?

More importantly, Who is going to save you?

Every day people break cycles of intergenerational trauma, alcoholism, abuse and violence. It is ab-solutely possible to break the cycle. One person only has to make the decision to do so and surround themselves with support.

Make that decision today!!!

Leaving a relationship that makes you feel less than who you truly are is the best gift you can give yourself and your children and future generation.

When you honor your Spirit and remove yourself from a situation or a person or a job that no long-er serves your highest good, you teach your kids to do the same.

Kids will emulate how you live, not what you say.

Please take the time to care about how you feel. When you take the time to care about how you feel, in the way of removing yourself from situations and people that do not serve to bring out the best in you and bring you happiness and joy, then you put yourself in a position to teach your kids to do the same.

You teach them…One healthy parent is better than two that are not.

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

samuel March 7, 2016 at 2:13 am

Thank you, Neseret, for having the courage and wisdom to speak directly into the denial and fear of those of us who force our children to endure our marital pain and abuse.

As the eldest son in a family of three siblings, I spent years, starting at age four, I think, trying to convince our mother to leave our father. She never found the courage to do so. We suffered. My father’s alcoholism led to and spousal abuse for 20+ years, until he became sober. My parents are deceased for almost 30 years now. Yet, only my brother and I have a relationship. I occasionally see what I believe is deep pain which I know he felt in our childhood of helplessness and the verbal and emotional abuse he experienced from our father.

I love my sister and her children, but we have little in common and no relationship that supports an intimate and frank dialogue that might bring us closer. Neither my brother and I have ever married or have children. I would say we both know what a dysfunctional relationship is and are aware and mature enough to walk away. My brother and I are certain that our emotionally abusive childhood has affected our capacity for intimacy and trust. He has chosen to allow almost no women to get to close. I have chosen to be the greatest and most trusted intimate friend a woman might ever have. Lol.

Both reactions to the lack of attention and intimacy with our parents in our youth are extreme. Of course, we can never be sure about the origin of our anxieties and behaviors. But, your article gives us the insight and the personal power and permission, as parents, to break away from domestic abuse, without guilt or shame. You are deeply insightful and your words touch my experience with my mother’s sense of hopelessness and helplessness and denial, dead-on. Thank you. I hope others benefit, as well. Much love . . . ~~samuel (the urbane monk)


Oshen April 21, 2016 at 7:01 pm

I LOVE this article. It is SO true, and very honest. I think we need more straightforward language to push us forward in our emotional lives.


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