Conscious Uncoupling

by Neseret on December 26, 2014

Heart on fire“A relationship that ends is not a failure or punishment, it is a lesson.” ~ Robert Burney ~

Every one of us will experience the ending of a relationship multiple times throughout our lifetime. This is specially true when it comes to romantic relationships.

How many times have you experienced a romantic relationship that changed?

Even if you’ve been with your partner for 60 years, one of you will die sooner or later. That’s just the nature of relationships. They serve a purpose and when the purpose is served that person and relationship transitions out of your life.

What is the purpose of romantic relationships anyway?

I want to quote my favorite relationships expert again… “Romantic relationships are the greatest arena for emotional and spiritual growth.” ~ Robert Burney ~

Like all other relationships, romantic relationships are here to teach and challenge us, and to awaken us to who we truly are. Of course when they work beautifully they’re also one of the joys of life.

This process of awakening, evolving, and self actualizing through relationships is ongoing and ever expanding.

For most people romantic relationships are an integral part of their healing journey. If allowed relationships can be incredible catalyst for change and transformation. Our connection with others can be a positive or negative influencing force in our life.

We are often engaged in healthy and healing relationships or painful and destructive ones. Loving and nurturing relationships are soothing to the soul. Acceptance, compassion, and unconditional positive regard heals us.

Truly LOVE is the master healer….

So what does all of this have to do conscious uncoupling? What is “conscious uncoupling” anyway?

Conscious Uncoupling” is a term coined by Kathrine Thomas Woodward. Kathrine Woodward is a psychotherapist and author specializing in the art of ending relationships gracefully.  She shows people how to minimize or completely eliminate the drama and trauma that often accompanies the end of romantic relationships. She has devised “a proven process for lovingly completing a relationship that will leave you feeling whole and healed and at peace”.

As human beings we struggle so much with change and endings. We often do everything we can and resist. Yet endings are a natural part of life as is death.

Yet the paradox is that there are no endings and there is no death. It’s all an illusion. When we buy in to that illusion we suffer.

Endings trigger in us an enormous fear.

In the case of romantic relationships we associate endings with failure.

This is because we unconsciously buy in to the script for romantic relationship. We have been programmed to believe a script of how romantic relationship “suppose” to be. We also buy in to the “myth of monogamy and happily ever after”. More on this in future articles.

This script goes like this….

You finish school…you get a job…you date…you find “the one”…get married….get a house with a white picket fence…and the couple sail off in to the sunset and live “happily ever after” until death do you apart.

This is the theme of children’s books, every romantic movie, and romantic songs. We’ve been sold a bill of goods. When we don’t live up to this script we feel we’ve miserably failed.

Then…oh the saga continues. We’re taught to believe that there is “one special someone”, “our soulmate” who is going to meet all our needs, be everything to us, and love us “forever.” We often obsesses about the length of this so called “special” relationship.

Yet the length of a relationship tells us very little about its’ quality.

You can be with someone for 50 years and be miserable as hell. Half of marriages end up in divorce, another 20% say they’d dump their partner in heartbeat if it wasn’t for the kids, (kids are too smart and recognize a loveless marriage), another 20% say they’d dump their partner in a heartbeat if it was’t for financial security they’ve found in a mate and that leaves very few who may or may not be in a fulfilling relationship.

As far as I’m concerned if both people are not being challenged and growing the relationship is not serving its’ purpose. If both people’s needs are not being met the relationship is not serving its’ purpose. If you’re not more than thrilled to be in the company of your partner it is time to go.

Suffering is not sexy!

Speaking of sexy there are those relationships where there is no physical intimacy. Sex is one of the strongest glue that holds a relationship together. The others are trust, and communication and the ability to be vulnerable with your partner. As well being able to engaged in activities and having fun together.

Embracing the ending of a relationship means you’re not willing to settle for the crumbs of romantic relationships.

It’s also believing you are whole as a human being.

You don’t have to have “a better half” to “complete” you. This idea is a crock of sh*t. I can’t stand that expression. It’s ludicrous.

Your life can be meaningful, productive, and exciting with or without a partner. Your job is to be happy and love your life regardless.

Ultimately you can be open to a lifelong romantic relationship but not be attached to the outcome. Sometimes it happens and works for people.

But it isn’t in the cards for many people.

We all grow and evolve in different directions and different rates. Our journey is unique. Often we grow apart. What may have been a match made in heaven 6 years ago may not suitable now.

So what? Be grateful for all that you learned and shared with this person. Bless them for loving you as long as they have and let go.

Focus on the good that has come out of the relationship as a result of loving this person.

Focus on the gifts of the relationship.

People often become enemies in the end and engage in endless battles. They bash each other, emotionally speaking and traumatize their children. And friends and family stand on the sidelines often sympathizing and trashing the opposite partners and buying in to the pity party. How primitive?

Get over it already! Grow up!

You’re not defined by your relationships. You need not buy in to the crazy myth of a “successful” relationship based on its’ length and unrealistic expectations. You get to decide and assign a different meaning of what a successful relationship means to you.

You also get to decide the meaning of the ending of relationships.

I use to be terrified of the ending of relationships and of being alone. Today I’ve gotten really good at letting a relationship be whatever it is and however long it lasts. I know when a relationship has served its’ purpose. I have no problem whatsoever ending it and letting it go.

I’m o.k with it.

As Lola, a spiritual teacher said, I like the idea of living “many lives and many loves” in this body and in this lifetime. It’s interesting and exiting I get to experience and share my life with different people. What a privilege!

This article gives you a context of “conscious uncoupling”. In future article I will get in to more detail about the process and steps of conscious uncoupling. I think the whole idea is brilliant!

I would love to hear your questions and comments. Please take time to share below. Share this article on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. I appreciate your support.

Peace, Love and Gratitude


{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Mimi December 31, 2014 at 7:39 pm

Love the idea of being more in tune with the quality of my primary relationships rather than just gritting my teeth to get the diamond gift for being together for 60 years.


lynne August 7, 2015 at 2:05 am

Hi, Thanks for sharing a very informative post. I know it is very hard to end a relationship but as what you’ve set ” Endings are a natural part of life” , we need to accept and learn from it then move on. Great Read.


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